You’ll want to listen to this to set the mood:
Why is it important to believe that you matter? That you belong to something that is bigger than yourself? Simple. If you didn’t believe that, you would feel as if you had no reason to be alive right now. That simple sentence is something that some of those with depression suffer with understanding day after day. That is something that I suffer with.
Why do I have a hard time believing I matter? Because I was told that I didn’t. I was treated like I didn’t. I was treated like I was inferior by a man that my mother married and for countless times, the way that he treated me resonated with me, even long after we had fled a horrible situation. I never thought that I’d amount to anything. I tried my hardest to not have my past define me but it still slipped up. It still held me back. I was afraid to go after a lot of things and to be quite frank, I still am.
In the heat of the moment when you’re having your head slammed against a window ledge, you believe that you will amount to nothing because you fear that in no time you’ll be broken or worse yet, dead.
I recently posted on my Instagram about how my abuser didn’t break me. It’s something that I’ve finally come to terms with. Why did it take me so long? Because I always lived in fear whenever I’d go home that he’d recognize me when I was out and about and beat me senseless for fleeing.
Years later I was still afraid of him. Even though I had run into him countless times while I was working at a local grocery store back home (you have no idea how terrifying that was, I’d stand there, frozen for what felt like forever, my fight or flight instincts kicking in) it was still hard seeing him walk around like he did nothing wrong when all he did was try to ruin my mother, sisters and my lives all in one swoop.
If you allow those people, the ones who cause the most harm and try their hardest to tear you down and break you, rule your life, you haven’t got a life to live. You are living in fear of them, however justifiable it is. Although every situation is different on the life or death scale, just remember, you should never be held back for whatever reason. You should never be told that your opinion doesn’t matter (unless it seriously doesn’t in a certain situation) or even worse, that you as a person, don’t matter.
If you allow them to continue to tell you this, you’ll believe it. You won’t live the life you want for fear that you’ll never excel. You won’t let your boundaries be explored and you’ll be living in a sheltered world. That should not be the life for anyone. Flee, run, do whatever you can to get out of that situation and begin to heal. Believe you can, and you will.