This Is What I Am

There are things that I shouldn’t link to social media outlets, but they’re things that I’m putting out there to question the norm of society and people. I threaten the ideals in my own presence with a lot of societal norms. Let me further explain that.

I am not shy about my body. Sure, I was when I went through a huge adrenal catastrophe and somehow managed to gain about 20-30 lbs in one entire summer. I felt so uncomfortable within my own skin. But I know that I am me, now. I don’t diet, like so many do, I eat what I want to eat, some days that means eating entirely vegan or filled with lots of crispy m&m’s.

Another thing is that I am very open to most about my sexual being and presence. That being said, I am finally understanding that side of myself. What do I mean? My desire and urge to have sex or sexual encounters is far more active than that of my husbands. Why? I have no idea, it just is who I am. I’ve been sexually active since I was 15.. almost an entire decade.. and my sexual desires and such have been fluid and evolving throughout that entire time.

Exes used to think that it was great because I’d want to have sex so often.. then it got old for them. Then they got tired of it. Don’t even begin to ask me why I enjoy sex as much as I do.. I just do.

Then with certain exes, after we would break up, I’d hear from fellow classmates with how I was a Slut. Yes, capital S and all. It was hushed with crushing undertones of betrayal. I knew I had a hyperactive sex drive, but when I tried to push it down and forget about it, it would only rear it’s head at a later time and my desire would become uncontrollable.

Then came college, countless hookups, lots of boyfriends and filling a void with lots of sex.
*** Avoid this next part if you don’t want to read about personal sexual encounters***

There are a few sexual encounters that will stick out in my mind for a while from college, one being that I ended up meeting up with somebody from Cragislist (a place you should never meet up for hookups, just fair warning) and ended up giving head to a nearby college’s assistant women’s soccer coach. As I was going down on him, all I was thinking about how his british accent was the most seductive thing ever. Horrible, I know. It probably didn’t help either that he had those lucky brand jeans on that where the zipper usually is was entirely buttons and it was easy to tell that he had a decent half chub going and no boxers on because it was very noticeable.

Another continuous hookup was with an old RA. He was the RA of an upperclassman dorm when I was a freshman, he was a top dog on campus. Everyone knew him, he was older than most of us due to starting college later. Regardless, I don’t even know how him very well and I began hooking up, but it happened, as things naturally just do. The first time we ever hooked up was when he was developing prints in the old dark room (they’ve since remodeled and updated it). I remember how the first words out of his mouth after our first hookup were “you look so innocent, but you’re one of the biggest sluts I know”.  I tried to move on from our hookups when I was dating people, but I’d still end up meeting up with him every now and then. As much as I liked our hookups, I always wanted more, but he never did. Eventually it just faded out and didn’t continue.

Sometimes my sex drive got me in risky situations.. or worse, lost me someone I thought I could’ve had a relationship with. The risky situations I’m going to talk about in another blog post because for one thing, it’s a very long story and secondly, because I want to use my situation and show how to better protect yourself.

More than not though, when I’d get dumped because of my sex drive, I would think if I would’ve even been happy in that situation because if I couldn’t express myself and my desires sexually, they wouldn’t know a major part of myself…and my sexuality and sexual being is a big part of who I am.

Regardless, even now, it’s still hard to fully express myself sexually because I feel like I have to hold back or else be labeled a deviant slut by so many because.. well, women shouldn’t be sexual. pssht. Some women, like myself, thoroughly enjoy sex. Let us embrace it.

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