A Year Later

A lot can happen in a years time.

Last year at this time I got a phone call from my mom saying that she heard through various people that my ex stepdad had killed himself. I called a few people in the family to  verify this, pulled up court documents and realized the horrible things he had done.

Maybe it was for the best that he killed himself.

As soon as it hit me, I began crying. Not because I was upset, no, not at all. I was elated. Even though I was over four hours away I was still continuously watching my back for him. Afraid that he may appear when I’d least expect it. My guard was never down and would never be until he was dead.

A year ago I began the process of truly healing myself. Taking time out of every day to really reflect on everything that had happened from my abuse. It took a lot of self reflection, hikes, and crying to really come to terms with the fact that this man drove me to wanting to kill myself. That I wouldn’t be here now typing these words if it wasn’t for whatever saving grace that I never actually went through with any of that. I would just silently slit my wrists, not deep enough to car, but enough that they would bleed and I’d feel at least something. I even slit my thighs in college.. just hoping to feel something when feeling nothing was the norm.

Regardless, over this past year, I’ve really gotten better with my mental health, forgiveness and learning from the past. I’ve still got a lot to go, but i’m better than I was a year ago. I even began really processing my grandpa’s suicide and the pain that still lingers from that (yes, my eyes are watering while typing that, that will always bring the tears). But I’m a whole lot stronger and open than I was a year ago.

It’s weird to think that so many things were repressed and a lot of things still are. But here I am, stronger than I was.

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