Words Are Written

Forewarning: this is about my recent feelings on how I’ve been coping with my depression and anxious tendencies.

I need to brain dump. I need to just let my thoughts be. I need to sit still and enjoy the peace and quiet that overcomes my senses and quiet the thoughts within my mind.

My anxiety has been nowhere as bad as it used to be. But sometimes, like lately, I just cannot stop the thoughts. The continual cycle. The never ending negativity and what-if moments that seem to fester.

When I withdraw lately, it doesn’t seem like it’s nearly in the same fashion that it used to be. It’s not so sudden. It’s not so withdrawn. It’s a subtle thing now. And I know when I’m doing it and I hate it because I shouldn’t be withdrawing. I should be open about the monsters in my mind because that’s where this cycle begins and ends.

I feel like I should know better than this. But I still can’t get it through my head that this isn’t like 10+ years ago where keeping my mouth shut kept me safe.

I need more nature. I need more sunrises. I need more music that feeds my soul. I need more iron (lifting). I need to know that I’m strong again in every facet.

I would say I need more love, but I already receive an unconditional amount of that.

I want to know that I’m not broken anymore. It’s been about ten years since we left that situation. It’s been a decade since I last saw his face come at me in a bewildered anger. It’s been a decade since I had to physically fight for my life, but it’s been over a decade where I’m mentally fighting for my life. Always grasping at the small twigs along the way, holding on for dear life, afraid I’ll go over that ledge again.

Afraid that I’ll try to die again. Afraid that I’ll have those thoughts where I want to swerve into oncoming traffic again. I’m always afraid, even when I smile. Because I’m never sure when I’ll sink down again. Sink into the abyss of my emotions and self medicate again. My drinking is on the increase again.

What is normal? The last time I felt like I was normal in comparison to anyone else was when I was eight, before my parents divorced. Shortly after that I knew that there was no normal anymore. There was just the life I was living.

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