Life lately

If you know me well enough, you know that I’m very candid and talk openly about tough subjects that people shy away from talking about. I talk about my Grandpa’s suicide a lot because it really shaped a lot of my life going forward with how I handle grief and how I take care of myself along with my depression and anxiety. You’ll also know that throughout the last 5 years I’ve been extensively working on my brain and how I view myself because when you think you are the root cause for the abuse you, your sister and mother went through, it really skews your view on the type of relationships you think you deserve. And for everyone that’s come into my life and stayed.. thank you. A lot of the things that I’ve been working on trying to better stem from a lot of what I went through in my early to mid teen years. But, recently my mental health has been slipping a lot. I’ve been distancing myself a lot and trying to become an island. Why? Because I’m incredibly frustrated with my body. Not with body image or anything like that, no, that’s finally something I am incredibly happy with. But rather the mental game of month after month of getting my period despite trying to get pregnant. The moment of sweet relief of knowing and understanding what’s going on with my body but its coupled with the frustration of why… why is it taking so long? Why hasn’t it happened yet? Why do others get pregnant so easily and I’m struggling? The constant why wears on me. And this month is the worst because it was the one month that I didn’t track or chart anything because I didn’t want to stress myself out. On Sunday I began spotting, Monday I was bleeding a little bit, by mid-day i had horrendous cramps and by late evening I was bleeding incessantly. Based off of the volume of blood and the amount of clotting and tissues I knew this was no normal period, it was more. Tuesday continued to be rough because of the mental and emotional aspects taking weight but on top of it, I was physically drained due to the amount of blood I was losing. Now, Wednesday the cramping is letting up a little, bleeding has slowed, but the amount of clots I’m still passing has me a little alarmed. But… all I can do is take this moment as a small sign we got it right. It still sucks. It hurts; physically and emotionally, but.. there are small moments of grace where I’m thankful it didnt happen months down the line.

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